Hugs? No, Thanks. I'll Take Drugs Please.

I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a hug, unless it came from someone who I really wanted to have sex with. I think my dislike for hugs started when I was in third grade. My teacher would stand by the door as we exited the room at the end of each school day and give me and my classmates the option for "a hug or a handshake." I would approach her and hold out my hand, always opting for the handshake. Each day without fail, she would grab my hand and pull me in for the hug. Instead of being flattered by the fact that she liked me so much a handshake was just not enough, I would completely dread the encounter. From my third grade perspective, hugs were for grandmas and Cabbage Patch Dolls. After all, I had known her less than a year, she smelled like White Diamonds and forced me to square dance to polka music on a regular fucking basis!

What I did not fully appreciate at the time, on my third grade teacher's approach to goodbye greetings, was the fact that she at least gave us an option (even though she never respected my goddamn decision). Mrs. ForcedIntimacy was really onto something. Because, the thing I hate most about hugs is that when someone goes in for one, no matter how much you dislike them, there is no way of escaping. Even if the perpetrator is Lucifer himself, the only way to refuse a hug is to literally duck under the person's arms and run in the other direction. Although, this duck and run approach would prevent you from bumping nipples with Lucifer, it's admittedly more awkward than just giving the damn hug. So, my request to all serial hug offenders out there is to start granting me and other hug haters (there are others...many others) an option.

Your next greeting would go something like this:

1. Approach the person you would like to kiss bellybuttons with.
2. Think about all of the different greeting options you have.
3. High five them and walk away...because high fives are fucking awesome.
4. Scratch that giving options bullshit.

And, the next time you would like to sexually assault someone with a hug, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Has their mother just died?
2. Has it been 2 or more 4 + years since I've last seen them?
3. Am I passing them drugs?
4. Does this person without a doubt want to have sex with me?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then go right in for the rib rub.

Loophole -  If I'm drunk you should always hug me, because, odds are, I'll want to have sex with you.

Stay tuned for more on side hugs, and how if your mother has ever given you one, she doesn't love you.