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| Silent Disco at Treasure Island (photo courtesy of Fit Fun and Forever Young) |
1. Listening to The xx without a significant other present, or the prospect of finding a significant other in the near future, will cause you cry yourself to sleep that night.
2. You will be scolded for throwing up in the recycle bin rather than in the compost bin.
3. Fuck the Scared Straight program. All troubled teens who are on the brink of dropping out of high school and/or royally fucking up their lives, should be required to spend three days standing at a music festival. Afterward, it can be explained to them, that the extreme exhaustion they feel and the sharp pain traveling up through the soles of their feet and shooting into their lower back, is the same sensation they will someday experience when they have no degree and are stuck working softlines at Walmart.
4. That girl is not overweight, she's just wearing tribal patterned stretch pants.
4. That girl is not overweight, she's just wearing tribal patterned stretch pants.
5. It's best to attend festivals where you have no interest in seeing the headlining band, so that you can leave before the festival is over. This makes it easier to avoid exiting while harboring a persistent fear of being trampled by belligerents, or being forced into overly intimate encounters with strangers on shrooms.
6. Wherever you find a grown woman hula hooping, you will also find drugs.
7. Making your child wear sound blocking ear muffs does not excuse the fact that you brought your child to a music festival. (Outside Lands 2011 - I had never heard a toddler laugh so loud. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the same contact high I experienced which, caused me to later eat an entire box of Kraft's Macaroni and Cheese).
8. It's called Treasure Island, because it looks like it's been raided by pirates with baseball bats and spray paint cans.
9. If you're looking for an Asian person and/or a pre-teen, follow the faux fur monster hat.
10. People will pay hundreds of dollars not to listen to headlining bands. They will instead, wait hours in line to hang out at the silent disco.
11. You either get good looks, or the ability to create chart topping indie music, but not both. For example, I was unpleasantly surprised to find that Best Coast is not comprised of several energetic, hot blondes prancing around with fresh tans. The music duo is actually made up of one, less than moderately attractive blonde with a Xanax hangover, paired with an overweight gentleman who very well could have served as the model for the hairy bear on their album cover.
12. You will be late to work on Monday.
These two remain a mystery:
1. How people who live in San Francisco, work in San Francisco and spend most of their free time in San Francisco still just can't get enough of it. They still have lots interest in purchasing both artwork for their home, as well as personal apparel that portrays San Francisco.
2. Whether the black shit that coats the inside of your nostrils at the end of a festival is actual dirt residue, or the remnants of the body odor, weed fog and theatrical smoke your lungs have been filtering for the last 48 to 72 hours.
Stay tuned for more on how I now completely empathize with those suffering from Bovinophobia; most commonly described as the fear humans experience when they feel they're being herded like cattle. No fucking joke, it's a real phobia. And, after attending more than a few music festivals, I totally get where Bovinophobiacs are coming from.
10. People will pay hundreds of dollars not to listen to headlining bands. They will instead, wait hours in line to hang out at the silent disco.
11. You either get good looks, or the ability to create chart topping indie music, but not both. For example, I was unpleasantly surprised to find that Best Coast is not comprised of several energetic, hot blondes prancing around with fresh tans. The music duo is actually made up of one, less than moderately attractive blonde with a Xanax hangover, paired with an overweight gentleman who very well could have served as the model for the hairy bear on their album cover.
12. You will be late to work on Monday.
These two remain a mystery:
1. How people who live in San Francisco, work in San Francisco and spend most of their free time in San Francisco still just can't get enough of it. They still have lots interest in purchasing both artwork for their home, as well as personal apparel that portrays San Francisco.
2. Whether the black shit that coats the inside of your nostrils at the end of a festival is actual dirt residue, or the remnants of the body odor, weed fog and theatrical smoke your lungs have been filtering for the last 48 to 72 hours.
Stay tuned for more on how I now completely empathize with those suffering from Bovinophobia; most commonly described as the fear humans experience when they feel they're being herded like cattle. No fucking joke, it's a real phobia. And, after attending more than a few music festivals, I totally get where Bovinophobiacs are coming from.
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